ncbcsrhigh parents’ info

The Sweet Spot of Love and Logic.

Yesterday, Pastor Erin preached a great sermon about living in the sweet spot which balances grace and truth.   He shared how some of us are wired to be more harsh, or “truth oriented” and others naturally are overly “grace oriented” so that we relax our standards.

It made me think of my favorite parenting books, “Parenting with Love and Logic” and “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic,” which you’ll see me refer to often in this blog.   Love relates to “grace” and logic relates to “truth”.    Love and logic are needed to counterbalance the other.

The books begin by identifying common parenting tendencies, which sound remarkably similar to what Erin commented on.

In the books, which were written by Jim Fay and Foster Cline, they mention that some parents tend to err on the side of “love” (or “grace”), referring to them as “Helicopter Parents.”   These parents try to rescue their kids all the time, stepping in to make sure they remain happy and comfortable.  They pamper their kids and try not to make waves with them.  They also don’t allow them to get in situations where they may struggle or fail. 

“Drill Sergeant Parents,” on the other extreme, simply bark orders to their kids as a way to make sure they tow the line.  They err on the side of focusing on “truth” too much.  They keep their kids under their thumb, hoping to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Having been a youth pastor for 16 years, I’ve seen firsthand the relational, emotional, and spiritual damage that comes from either style of dysfunctional parenting. 

The Sweet Spot, of course, is exactly in the middle–what the book refers to as a “Love and Logic Parent.”  It’s about finding the style of parenting that perfectly applies truth in the context of grace. 

Pick up a copy from the church library or the bookstore and you’ll soon see why it’s my favorite parenting book!  And in doing so, you’ll make my job easier during your kids’ high school years!

The power of 5 Words

The other day my 14 year old Brenda and I were essentially stranded in our mini-van for an hour, fully expecting to be bored.  On a whim, I said five words that transformed our time into one of our most meaningful conversations ever!

“Let’s ask each other questions.”  

It was that simple.  What followed was a journey through our private worlds that built a bridge between us.   For a solid hour we took turns asking each other questions that we were curious about.  We both came away so excited about our conversation that we told the rest of the family what happened.  Since then, I tried it on a car ride with Lexi, my 11 year old with equal success.   Here are some samples of the kinds of questions we shared and that you could share with your kids…

“What was something fun that you did in college?”

“What’s one thing you’re not so good at?” 

“What do you think of dating?”

“What’s do you think is one of Mom’s greatest character qualities?”

“What do you like most about being a pastor?”

“What is it about track that you like?”

I encourage you to try saying these 5 powerful words to your kids (or maybe your spouse!) when you have a little spare time together.  See what happens and post a comment on how it goes!

RE: Is this happening at your child’s school?

I blogged about a suggested parental response to the day of silence on my personal reflections blog at http://pastormark.ncbcsrhigh.org/2008/03/07/47/

Families on Target

I was invited to come to the Families On Target ABF this past Sunday morning at 9:20 in room 128.  It was a great experience.  If you’re a parent of a teen–and you come on Sunday mornings–this would be a super place to plug in for encouragement, fellowship, and study.  It’s a very friendly class and I felt very welcomed.

The class has been studying the book, “For Parents Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice.  I was asked to come and offer my perspective on the book.   We had some great interaction over the various topics the book covers.

I found the book to be very good and I found that I learned new things about understanding teens.  The subtitle aptly sums up the content:  “Getting inside the head of your kid.”  The authors surveyed hundreds of teenagers, asking them questions that help us adults to enter their world.

The easy-to-read book has chapters about kids’ thirst for independence, need for security, quest for identity, and need to be listened to and understood.  It also revealed how we as parents are often misunderstood.  It was helpful for me to see a little better through their eyes.

Despite the book title “For Parents Only” my apparently rebellious daughter Brenda picked it up and read the chapter on “Listening.”  She loved it, saying it was dead-on.   We had a good conversation about it.  This chapter taught me how much teens crave to have their feelings validated before any advice is given–something I needed to hear.   I even used this awareness today as I replied to a teen who was despairing about something via email.

So if you’re looking for a simple book that opens your eyes to the world of your teen, I recommend this book highly.

Why I like Facebook

In last Saturday’s Gazette, in the Faith & Values section, I was interviewed with regard to how Facebook can be a ministry tool.  I thought you parents would be interested to hear my thoughts on this subject, since most of you are probably faced with the Facebook issue in your own home.

First, an excerpt from that article, which was written by Molly Rossiter:

…Eastern Iowa youth leaders say keeping the communication lines open using Facebook and other Internet sites has become a common, if not necessary, tool for their ministries. Many have their own Facebook accounts and use them almost daily to keep in touch.
  Of the 26.6 million Facebook users, nearly 12 million are between the ages of 12 and 24, according to www.techcrunch.com  — the same group of people with whom church youth leaders are working. At New Covenant Bible Church, 1800 46th St. NE, in Cedar Rapids, high school youth pastor Mark Forstrom said he relies on Facebook and the Internet to keep in contact not only with current youth group members, but wth those who have graduated and gone on to college…He said the social network is useful as a ministry tool, as well, especially on emotional matters. ‘‘They open up their lives and their needs and their fears on their message boards, and it helps us to know if they need help.’’

I consider Facebook to be one of the greatest relational ministry tools I’ve seen in my 22 years of youth ministry.   It has become an itegral part of our youth ministry.  For those who don’t know what Facebook is, here are some basics.

•  __It is called a “social network utility”, which means it is an online community that facilitates social interaction with others.   The vast majority of our youth group members communicate primarily with Facebook. 

•  __Everyone keeps a Profile page, where they share who they are and what they’re into.  This page can contain basic data like contact info, birthday, employment history, school status, etc, as well as glimpses into their personalities and values: favorite songs, movies, quotes, books, interests, sports, likes, dislikes, and moods.  You can learn a lot about where someone is at by viewing their profile.  They can also post photos, notes, and videos.

•  __To see their profile or to interact, both parties must first accept each other as a “Facebook Friend.”   This prevents predators from knowing info about your child.   This safety feature can be disabled, so this is something parents should know and talk to their kids about.  Compared to MySpace, Facebook is much more secure.

•  __Facebook users pride themselves in having a lot of friends.  I joined Facebook this past spring and I already have 354 “friends” as follows:   high school (113), youth group alumni (163), youth sponsors (14), youth pastors (25), family (7), and friends (31).  Since your “friends” have access to lots of information about you, it’s important to be discerning about accepting friend requests.  This is something parents should know and talk to their kids about.

•  __People can join “Groups,” which are like clubs.  Think of a group as a webpage people go to to talk about certain things.  We have a “New Covenant Senior High” group, which has 103 members, where people talk about what’s happening in our group, post pictures (like our recent bonfire), and discuss topics related to our youth group.  We can send messages to all group members, which will come in handy if youth group needs to be cancelled due to weather, etc.    Other groups we have are “Mexico 2007,” “Combo Quad Leaders”, and “Praying for Kelly and Allison McCright.”

•  __People can sponsor “Events” and invite Facebook users to them.  It’s a great way to advertise what’s coming up, particularly since students are using email less and less.   I created a “See You At The Pole” event – about 137 people have rsvp’d so far.  One of our sponsors, Charley Snodgrass, created an event inviting people to his house last Saturday for hot dogs, s’mores, and Bible discussions–he knew how much food to prepare based on the Facebook rsvps. 

•  __Everyone has something called ”The Wall” on their profile page–a place where their “friends” can post little messages.   Because it’s on the profile page, all the friends can read what other “friends” are saying to each other.   It’s a great opportunity for encouragement and I love seeing some of our leaders caring for others this way.

There’s a lot more I could say about how Facebook works and if any of you parents would like me to sit down with you and give you a tour, I’d be glad to.

I mentioned that I see Facebook as a great ministry tool.  Besides the group communication benefits of Groups and Events, the thing that this “shepherd” loves is that Facebook allows you to get to know the needs of the “sheep”.   This is why I encourage the youth sponsors to get on Facebook.     We can look up any “friend” and see what they’re into:  what groups they’ve joined, how they’re feeling, if they are currently ”in a relationship,” what events they’re going to, what pictures they’ve posted, who their “friends” are, what comments they’ve made on friends’ pictures, what notes or journal entries they’ve written, and what videos they’ve posted.  It provides a wealth of information that makes it easy for us to speak Christian truth into the real and felt needs of their lives.  It’s as if Facebook gives us a window into their soul.  Whereas students used to withdraw into their own worlds, saying “no one understands me,” students of today are using Facebook to disclose themselves in a way I’ve never seen before.  It’s apparent that today’s teens want to be known.

I’ll give you a few typical examples of how I’ve seen Facebook used for ministry. 

1. A college student who’s never shown any interest in spiritual things saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message asking for Bible verses that would apply to a discouraging situation he faced.   It was a time in his life that he was seeking answers and thankfully Facebook connected us at a critical time  

2. One of our high school seniors wrote some encouragements on the wall of someone who quit coming to youth group last spring.  It blessed me to see her reaching out with Christ’s love.  I then encouraged her for being such an encourager!

3. One of the newer kids who I had never once talked to at church sent me a “friend” request.  Looking at her profile, I noticed “Marilyn Manson” under favorite music, and, having been a part of a Marilyn Manson outreach ministry, we subsequently had a wonderful conversation about it.  It ended in her asking for alternative Christian music options!

4. One of my sponsors saw that a student had recently joined a questionable group.  He sent this person a private message asking about it and they had a great online conversation about a Christian’s public testimony resulting in the student leaving that group. 

If your kids are on Facebook, you can feel good that a lot of people know how he or she is doing.  They may not be talking to you, but there are probably 100’s of people who are keeping tabs on them.  And if their friends are from our youth group, there’s a good chance that many of us will be sharing God’s truth with them according to their current needs. 

It’ll also be reassuring for you parents to know that whenever we see things of concern that you need to know about (harmful behavior, suicidal concerns, illegal activites, etc.) we will surely inform you about those!  And that applies whether the concerns come from Facebook or any other source!

So now you can see why I like Facebook.  Are there also concerns about Facebook that parents should have?  Yes.  Like anything on the internet, there are places within Facebook (groups, events, discussion groups, photos, etc.) that could be harmful.  Parents should encourage their kids to make wise choices whenever they’re online and dialoge with them about the many temptations the world offers.

What are Quads for?

I want to explain to parents why we divide our youth group up into four “Quads” every 1st and 3rd Wednesday.

Definition of Quads.  Quads are simply the Sr. High large youth group broken down into four mid-sized groups.  In New Covenant terminology, it’s moving from the Front Porch to the Living Room.

Purpose of Quads.  To create an atmosphere where new or disconnected students can easily connect with others and where each person present feels noticed, loved, valued, and cared for.   In a group this size we can know everyone’s name, notice who the visitors are, and can do relational things not possible in the big group.

Division of Quads.  We have chosen to divide up the Quads according to school because those who are new or disconnected are most likely to connect with someone from their school whom they might see daily.  We also divide up our adult sponsors by Quad too, which makes it more manageable for them to contact students.

In future posts, I’ll introduce the Quad sponsors to you!  They’re a great bunch!

Welcome parents of Freshmen!

I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome the parents of the new freshmen.   I’ve really enjoyed getting to know many of the new students this summer through our “8 Great Escapes” as well as the Canoe Trip and last Wednesday’s Bonfire.  You’ve obviously produced some pretty amazing offspring and I consider it a privilege to be able to work with your sons and daughters!

This website will be one of several ways that I will communicate with you parents this year.  If you subscribe to the RSS feed of this site, you’ll be informed of each of my posts.    More frequently I will communicate with you by email.   Our youth group is in the middle of transitioning to a new database, so if you don’t start receiving such emails, please email me or Gina Kaufman, my capable administrative assistant and we’ll be sure you’re properly added to our distribution list.  (Like all New Covenant staff, our address is <firstname>.<lastname>@newcovenantbible.org.)

How to know if events are church-sponsored.

Summertime is here and that means that there will be LOTS of get-togethers and activities among the youth group members.   Some will be sponsored by our youth group, such as the upcoming “8 Great Escapes.”  Others events will spontaneously be generated by students or parents and may or may not involve adequate supervision or conservative standards of conduct. I’m writing this post to help parents know when an event is “officially” church -sponsored.

Official Youth Group Sponsored Events

1. Will be communicated as such by an official email or publication from Mark Forstrom, Gina Kaufman or a Quad Sponsor, and/or mentioned in our church bulletin, e-news, or websites.
2. Will be supervised by at least two adult sponsors (or approved parents).
3. Will comply with all the expectations outlined in our youth policy manual. http://www.newcovenantbible.org/NCBC/PDF/Youth/ypm.pdf
4. The church assumes responsibility and bears liability for these event.

 Non-official events.

1. Will never be promoted via official church publications or email addresses.
2. May be promoted verbally or by flyers at youth group.
3. Will not mention New Covenant on any written flyers.
4. May be adequately supervised or not supervised at all, depending.
5. Have no set conduct standards, such as what movies they may be showing.
6. Require parents to investigate to ensure their supervision expectations are met.
7. The church assumes NO responsibility or liability for such events, even if a youth sponsor attends all or part of it.

Please be aware of these distinctions and be sure that your expectations are being met.   Unofficial events can be very beneficial and help kids get and stay connected with each other in the summer.   They normally are very good.   But feel free to contact me or other parents if you want opinions about the suitability of any particular unofficial event.

Parents & Sr. Highers to join.

 Each year we invite all parents of teens to join us in Sr. High for a few weeks to foster understanding and insight between the generations.   The dates this year are June 10, 17, and 24.  Please join us at 6:45 or come earlier if you want to worship with the Sr. Highers.  (note: the Parents With Teens Class will meet upstairs first for preliminaries at 6:30). 

This year we are going to explore a new format for interacting:  breakout electives!  The students and the parents will divide up to discuss the following useful topics.  The same topics will be offered each week so everyone should get to do three of them.  Come each time prepared to share your perspective!

Here are the five electives!

Generation Bridge.  A fun look sharing between the generations how culture has changed from then to now.

Communication 101.  Looking at right and wrong ways to express yourself to your parents or teens.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Defining respect and discussing how it can be shown both directions.      

Faith Base.  Exploring what parents and teens have done to develop their faith.

Conflict resolution.  Discovering the best solutions for the worst parent/teen conflicts. 

Two Powerful Words

I want to share Two Powerful Words I learned years ago from my friend Brian Carroll that every parent should know and use.  But first: one word not to use.

When parents use the word “why” it almost always backfires, resulting in defensiveness, anger and frustration. 

• Billy, why are you so disrespectful to me? 
• Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
• Jake, why did you skip out on youth group last week?

“Why” makes teens feel interrogated and not trusted and they immediately get defensive.  That’s why I suggest replacing “why” with these Two Powerful Words: “Observe” and “Curious”.    Here’s how they would work in the above illustrations.

• Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to do the dishes.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way. 
• Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m curious, what do you think is causing you to treat him that way?
• Jake, Pastor Mark noticed that you’ve been skipping out of youth group after worship on Wednesdays.  If that’s true, I’m wondering, what do you think it is that is compelling you to do that?

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.  

Do you see how throwing out “why” and using ”observe” and “curious” (or their equivalents) can help?  They’re not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding.  They help us learn what makes our teen tick.  They communicate to our kids that their feelings, motivations, and perspectives are valid and that you want to know them more than you want to change them.  They force us to delay judgment and discipline until after we’ve gained understanding.  These words force us to be students of our students.   They help build a relational bridge with our kids rather than an impenetrable wall of opposition. 

Do I observe some skepticism as you read this?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying it!

This blog vs. That

You may have noticed that I’ve added a second blog. I want to focus this blog more on things that relate directly to parenting teens, information about our youth ministry, etc.

That new blog will be of interest (hopefully) to anyone: parents, students and anyone else who is interested. That blog is where I will share how I’ve been growing personally, things God is teaching me, and any other life insights that I feel are profound enough to share with others. The new blog can be reached at www.pastormark.ncbcsrhigh.org.

Visiting the Parents of Teens class

This past Sunday I enjoyed being with the Parents of Teens class.   I love the way this class provides such a supportive environment for parents.  It’s a place where people can be real with each other–as evidenced by the prayer requests that are shared in class.

After recapping the Sacred Pathways material from the previous week, we spent the remainder of the time talking about raising our kids.

I wrote this question on the board:  “As parents it is our job to produce…” and let them discuss it in small groups.   After several minutes, we regrouped and I wrote their perspectives on the board. 

It was a trick question I admit.   I was thinking the word “produce” would elicit answers like:  “children who are well-behaved, God-loving, giving, respectful, productive citizens.”  But the class didn’t fall for it.   They knew that we really have no power to produce character qualities in our kids–they themselves are responsible for how they ultimately turn out.  They will have to give account for their own life.

What they did conclude however, was that we can produce “an environment in which our kids are most likely to grow and mature.”  Just like a gardener.  And we decided that the two key essentials to making this environment fertile for growth are our Example and our Teaching.  

God is the ultimate Producer, whether it’s in the garden or our households.  We only can do our part, pray like crazy, and trust God for real fruit to emerge.

“Sacred Pathways”

On our Winter Retreat, our teaching theme presented the “Sacred Pathways” described in the book by the same name by Gary Thomas.   I’m going to summarize the book here so parents will know what we talked about, but I also think every believer would benefit spiritually by learning the insights presented in this book.

 So here’s a quick overview to clue you in.

Gary Thomas is one of my very favorite authors.  He is, a marvelous church historian who gleans spiritual gems from the forefathers of our faith and puts them in easy to understand language.  In his historical research, he has identified nine spiritual “temperaments” or ways that people are wired to best love and connect with God.  Knowing how you’re wired to worship helps you experience God in more meaningful ways.

The nine pathways are

• The NATURALIST — worships God through experiencing God’s creation
• The SENSATE– worships God through the five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, & taste) 
• The ENTHUSIAST — worships God expressively through joyful passion and expectation.
• The INTELLECTUAL– worships God by studying Truth and establishing firm beliefs.
• The TRADITIONALIST– worships God by enjoying historic practices of the church, symbols, creeds, and hymns.
• The ASCETIC– worships God by living a life of simplicity, solitude, and self-denial.
• The CONTEMPLATIVE– worships God by meditating on an intimate, loving, personal relationship with Him.
• The CAREGIVER — worships God by loving and serving others.
• The ACTIVIST– worships God by making efforts to change the world.

All the “pathways” are valid and necessary in the church.  We’ll each have several that are dominant–and knowing that helps us to avoid judging others’ ways of worshiping.  It also helps to know that it’s ok for me to worship in a way that may be different from others.  

It’s also useful to try other pathways to expereince God in new ways.  During the retreat after presenting each pathway in detail we had a time to experience each one (nature prayer walks, contemplation, reading a CS Lewis piece, etc.) 

 I’d encourage parents of retreat attenders to sit down and talk about your son or daughter’s pathways.  It would be a great way for you to get to know them better. 

For the same reason, I presented this material at the Parents of Teens class two weeks ago.  Click here for the chart I passed out there, which explains the nine pathways in more detail if you’re interested!  sacred-pathways-overview.pdf

Click here if you’d like to take the simple Assessment Quiz that I shared with the group. Sacred Pathways Quiz  

By the way, in case you’re wondering about my pathway mix–I’m an Ascetic, and a Contemplative, who’s becoming more and more of a Traditionalist!  That explains my previous post below!

Why I’m observing Lent.

For 1,700 years it has been a Christian tradition to celebrate Lent.  That means that ever since the 3rd Century, this has been done each spring.  Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, Blaise Pascal, Christopher Columbus, Martin Luther, and others likely took part in this historic observance.

Because we’re not liturgical like Catholics or Lutherans, churches like ours have tended to throw out all the ancient traditions.   But I think Lent is one tradition we should retain.

Jesus gave up everything for us so the custom of denying ourselves some comfort for the 40 days prior to Easter is an appropriate way to commemorate his death. It can be a way to draw close to Jesus as we in some small way “share in his sufferings.”  An especially good practice for any of you fellow ascetics!

And it’s also a great time to focus on self-control rather than our usual mode of indulgence.  An especially good practice for any of you like me who need to practice restraint!

It begins this Wednesday “Ash Wednesday” when ashes are typically “painted” on the forehead in the sign of the cross to symbolize humility and repentence: a modern day version of ”sackcloth and ashes”. 

With or without the ashes, I challenge you to think of what you’ll seek to cut out of your life during this Lenten season.  Not as an empty ritual, but rather as a way to love and connect with Jesus.

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