Hopefully useful parenting insights.

How to know if events are church-sponsored.

Summertime is here and that means that there will be LOTS of get-togethers and activities among the youth group members.   Some will be sponsored by our youth group, such as our “8 Great Escapes.”  Others events will spontaneously be generated by students or parents and may or may not involve adequate supervision or agreed-upon standards of conduct. I’m writing this post to help parents know when an event is “officially” church -sponsored.

Official Youth Group Sponsored Events

1. Will be communicated as such by an official email from name@newcovenantbible.org, an official NCBC Facebook group invitation, or a publication originating from our staff, (Mark Forstrom, Gina Kaufman or a designated Quad leader.)  These official events will likely be mentioned in our church bulletin, e-news, church website, or by our new Twitter account: “NCBCyouth”.
2. Will be supervised by at least two adult sponsors (or approved parents).
3. Will comply with all the expectations outlined in our youth policy manual. http://www.newcovenantbible.org/NCBC/PDF/Youth/ypm.pdf
4. The church assumes responsibility and bears liability for these event.

 Non-official events.

1. Will never be promoted via official church publications or email addresses.
2. Are, however, allowed to be promoted verbally or by flyers distributed at youth group.
3. May be adequately supervised or not supervised at all, depending.
4. Have no set conduct standards, such as what movies they may be showing.
5. Necessitate that parents investigate to ensure their supervision expectations are met.
6. The church assumes NO responsibility or liability for such events, even if a youth sponsor happens to attend all or part of it.

Please be aware of these distinctions and be sure that your parental expectations are being met.   Unofficial events can be very beneficial and help kids get and stay connected with each other in the summer.   They normally are very good.   But feel free to contact me or other parents if you want opinions about the suitability of any particular unofficial event.

Philosophizing about chores

For three years I lived in the guys’ dorm at Moody Bible Institute.  As you can imagine two dozen guys living on our floor produced a bit of mess!  It was only appropriate that each of  us would take turns cleaning the lounge, doing the dishes, and vaccuming.  It would be unthinkable for guys to reap the benefits of community without helping pay the price.  Except for the year we had a paraplegic on our floor, everyone always took their turn.  To be able-bodied, but refuse to pitch in would have been freeloading.  And few things irk us more than freeloaders!

Similarly, we don’t appreciate freeloaders in our society at large.   We disdain those who could work, but who insist on living off the coattails of others with an attitude of entitlement.  Such people don’t contribute to the system in the least, but prefer instead to only take from it. 

It can be reasonably argued that whenever people live with the benefits of community there are certain responsibilities and obligations that members must share (according to their abilities, of course.)  We see this exact philosophy in Paul’s admonition to the Thessalonian church, “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” (2 Thes 3:10b)   

Having established the association of community and the obligation of mutual responsibility, I’d like to take this thought a step further and suggest that families are communities in exactly the same way.  Which brings to mind five things worth noting here regarding family chores.

1. Household chores are the natural cost of living in community.  In order to run a home someone needs to do the shopping, launder the clothes, shovel the walk, pay the bills, take out the garbage, scrub the toilets, cook the food, mow the yard, etc.  Without any of these things the family system is hindered.  Each family member reaps the benefits of the chores being done and each family member suffers when they are left undone.

2.  I think parents are wise if they require kids from a very early age to be contributors to the family system by doing their fair share of chores.  (To not do so teaches our kids to be freeloaders, leaving the parents to do the bulk of the work.  A subtle entitlement mentality is being inadvertantly taught.)  From preschool on, I believe every family member should be taught to see themselves as obligated to pitch in for the sake of the team.

3.  When I say “fair share” I mean that as they age, their responsibility level should increase according to their abilities.  A toddler can help the home in tiny ways, such as picking up the toys.  Here it’s the effort put in that’s important, so the adage applies: ”not equal giving, but equal sacrifice.”  But stretch them to do as much as they are reasonably capable of and continue to increase their responsibility level over time until it comes close to matching the household workload of the parents.  There are very few chores–if any–that a teenager can’t do, so they should be expected to do their fair share.  

We first thought to implement these concepts in our home when the kids were about three and six.  We had a family meeting one day where we listed out all the things necessary to run our home.  It was a long list!  We explained that as a family it only made sense for everyone to pitch in–parents and kids.  So, we started writing down names next to each chore, taking volunteers at first and making reasonable assignments with what was left.  Lexi thought it would be fun to scrub the toilets.  Brenda chose to cook on Mondays.  On it went until we had a reasonable distribution of tasks:  vaccuming, laundry “whites”, packing lunches, garbage, recyclables, setting the table, doing dishes, cooking on the other nights, etc.  We all agreed Cindy should continue to pay the bills!   I just found our first edition of our Chore Chart for those interested.  Over the years we’ve revisited our list and have made lots of adjustments as you can tell from this version. Now we don’t have a chart at all, it’s just intuitive. And thankfully, we’ve come to the point where–with the girls now being 13 and 16–we’re approaching chore equillibrium! 

4.  Giving kids household responsibility prepares them for life.  What a gift it is for kids to have learned all the skills that go into running a household!  Think of how much better equipped for college, marriage, parenting, and life they will be!

5.  Finally, should allowances be tied to chores?  My view is “no” for two reasons.  A.  To me, chores are what we owe to the other family members.  At our house we say, “no one will thank you, no one will praise you–chores are simply what we owe for the privilege of living in our home.”   B.  Chores should be a relational issue, not a monitary one.  When we neglect or  forget our chores, the other family members naturally suffer and the real world consequences of that must be faced.  If Lexi forgets to fix dinner on a Tuesday, three hungry people will begin complaining!  If there are no “whites”, that laundry person will be confronted.  If I don’t take out the garbage, my family will complain about the smell.  We’re forced to resolve our neglectfulness in ways that a mere loss of allowance money wouldn’t do.  (Some kids don’t care a thing about money–is it ok for them pay their way out of ever having to contribute to the family system?)  By not being paid to do our chores, we’re made to be responsible for solving the relational problems that our negligence creates.  Sometimes the solution involves making a deal with another family member to cover the chore (such as hiring them!)  Sometimes it involves some form of restitution.   Sometimes, it’s just an apology.

(Note:  we do give our kids “stipend” allowances, but they are not at all connected to chores.  We see them as part of the household benefits of being members of the Forstrom family.  When we do our family budget each year, we apportion such allowances.  As the kids get older their allowances increase–as do the number of things they are responsible to buy for themselves!  But that’s the subject of another post!)

The value of “Plain”

A forgotten homework assignment from Men’s Fraternity encouraged us dads to discuss with each family member a list of various traits and how they relate to each of us.  One night last fall, after Cindy had gone to bed, my daughters and I were in a mood to chat, and I happened to remember the forgotten assignment.   I retrieved my workbook from the van and for the next hour and a half, the three of us chatted and laughed and pondered and evaluated what traits are unique and important to each of us.  It was one of those rare, insightful, ”magic moments” that you treasure forever. 

One of the traits to be discussed was the word ”plain,” which launched us into a wonderful conversation about appearances.  This gave me an opportunity to formulate into words what I had been thinking about for awhile:  how I hope that my daughters are always rather plain in appearance.

Now I know to some of you what I just said sounds horrible.  In this world which values fashion, glamour, and beauty, such a statement sounds almost emotionally abusive.  In fact, I’ve even read books by well-known Christian authors which talk about how essential it is for dads to frequently tell their daughters how pretty and beautiful they look. 

So what kind of dad would wish plainness on his own daughters?   This one.

Having been completely surrounded by teenagers for the past 22 straight years, I’ve learned a thing or two about the adolescent male mind!  I know exactly what turns heads and captivates the eyes and sets guys upon a mad pursuit to satisfy their physical longings.  And quite frankly, I don’t want my girls to be the object of such sensual arousals (outside of courtship and marriage.)

I often express to them how I love that their focus is on inward beauty, character, commitment, respect, integrity, and love for others rather than on make-up and fashion and hairstyles.  How I love that they spend their hours in front of books and sheet music and creative projects rather than in front of the mirror, trying to become more ”datable”.  How I appreciate that they honor their “brothers” by dressing modestly and acting responsibly and helping redefine what i think to be true femininity.

We talk about how it would be easy to attract any degenerate guy with their body, but how a true gentleman would be sufficiently attracted to their character.  How “the bait you use determines the kind of fish you catch.”  How the treadmill of appearance management is no way to truly live.  How miserable are those whose lives consists of becoming head-turners. We talk about Miss California and Mary-Kate and Ashley, and the Bachelorette, and wardrobe malfunctions, and proms, and body piercing and a whole lot more.   And they get it!

So I’ll say it again:  I hope my girls keep themselves rather plain in appearance.  And I hope they always work to stay beautiful inwardly.   By dong so, they’ll indeed be quite a catch someday!

And I think I have some scripture to back me up.

 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Prov 31:30

I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. 2 Tim 2:9-10

Brenda’s new car

Last Tuesday was a milestone day in the Forstrom household as Brenda purchased her first car!  She’s been saving her money for such a purchase for three years (since she was 12).

Two weeks ago she had asked if we could go out car shopping.  I was shocked to find out she had accumulated $1,500 in her checking account from babysitting and unused gift money.

We figured we’d better look for something less than $1,000 to leave margin for taxes, the title, the plates, and to leave some left for repairs.  So off we went to hunt for cars with three digit numbers on the windshield.

We found this gem at Hawkeye Auto in Marion waaaay in the back of the lot.  It’s not much to look at, but hey, it’s the inside that counts, right!  Actually, the car is in great shape and has less miles than either of our other two vehicles.  (We may be paying her for mileage on our next trip to New Jersey!)  And she’s excited about having a painting party (yes, using Rustoleum) before her 16th birthday next week.   There’s no risk there–it can only improve the looks!

I’m guessing that most parents are a bit more generous when it comes to their kids and new cars.  And that’s great.  But our philosophy–which we communicated to the girls long ago–is that when the day came that they’d want their own car, they’d need to purchase it themselves.  (Our theory is that they’ll be more aware of their car’s value and therefore more prone to be careful with it.)

For those curious, when she gets her license next week we’re paying to add her to our insurance for our two cars.  But she’s paying for everything pertaining to hers.

Restorative Justice

This past Sunday morning I woke up to a delicious surprise breakfast made by one of my girls.  It was an unsolicited apology from her because she had caused me to stay up excessively late the night before (though I had to be at church early the next day.)   She knew she had irritated me and so she got up early to make it up to me.  Believe me, it worked!

This is a perfect example of one of the parenting values that we’ve practiced since the girls were little:  restorative justice.   I’d like to explain it, hoping it proves useful to someone.

It’s inevitable that family members will hurt one another.   Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes accidental.  Sometimes it involves an action and sometimes something neglected.  Sometimes it involves words, sometimes simply body language.  The root cause is unawareness at best and disrespect at worst.  In any case it’s always hurtful to family harmony and therefore requires some sort of response from us parents.  

But how should we respond to such hurtful treatment?  Here are two common responses that I think fall short:

Punishment.  Often parents inflict punishments that have no relationship to the hurt that was caused.  Spanking.  Being sent to your room.  Grounding.  Loss of computer privileges, etc.  However, the wounded party remains wounded and the offending party feels arbitrarily victimized resulting in resentment.

Requiring apologies.  Sometimes parents at least attempt to make amends by forcing an apology.   The problem is that if the offender isn’t truly sorry about what he did, he can’t honestly comply so you’re forcing him to lie.  True, you may get a lip-service apology, but it’s not heart-felt and I contend that the wounded party remains wounded (perhaps moreso because a false apology adds insult to injury).  And the offender has been encouraged to simply go through the motions.

So what’s the alternative?  I suggest…

Restorative justice.   The idea here is that when one family member hurts another, the response should primarily involve giving the victim justice rather than punishing the offender.   If something is stolen, it must be returned.  If someone has been dealt pain, they should be given pleasure.  If someone has been treated disrespectfully, they should be shown respect.  If someone is cut down, they should be built up.  (By the way, i consider put downs, sassing, and snearing as a robbery of self-worth, so restoring self-worth is the appropriate antidote.)

The value here that the victim must repay the wounded party.   Ideally, the parents would intentify the injustice and then the offender (if of age) would have to propose some sort of compensation.   The parents and the victim need to determine if the proposal is sufficient compensation or not.  If the offender can’t think of proper compensation, then the parents will need to assign one.

What’s taught through all this is that everyone deserves proper treatment and that when we hurt someone, it is only proper to find a way to bless them.  (By the way, this principle should apply to parents as well as the kids–everyone deserves to be treated with value!  All are made in the image of God!)  

And restorative justice is more than just a way to manage household conflict–it’s a way to build their character for life!  That’s why early on Sunday morning when I arrived at the breakfast table I was so thrilled that my daughter had thought to get up early and make me breakfast.  She’s beginning to embrace the value of restorative justice on her own!

My Philosophy on Dating.

Being a pastor on salary with no contained work hours, I have always struggled with finding the balance between church and home.  There are always 100 legitimate spiritual needs out there that I could be–and perhaps should be– attending to.  I’m around a lot of teenagers and their parents, many who are lonely, lost, confused, hurting, neglected, needing encouragement, needing cheerleading, needing something.

So how do I find the balance so that in my feeble attempts to meet the needs of others my own kids don’t end up lonely, lost, confused, hurting, neglected etc. ? 

While I don’t at all claim to have properly figured out the perfect balance, one thing that has helped us immensely is something Cindy and I started doing when the children were small.  We decided that I would take each of the girls out on a “Daddy Date” at least once a month.   I will say that it’s been one of our best parenting decisions.

I tell my youth sponsors that their proximity to the teenagers will have a direct bearing on their impact.  The same is true with these Daddy Dates, and gets us face to face with our kids and allows opportunity for connection to occur.  It’s during these times that everything else gets set aside and I can focus all my attention and love on my kids.  I remember a phrase I’ve always loved, “Quality Time is an accident that happens during Quantity Time.”  I’ve sure found that to be true.  

To foster these Daddy Dates, we started budgeting $20 cash [for each of the girls] in envelopes at the beginning of each month for us to use.  The $20 a month does a couple of things:  It frees us up to do fun things like dinner and a movie, or miniature golf or bowling.  It also provides a gauge to see if we’re skipping our dates:   if the money is accumulating, then it’s obvious I’ve been a negligent dad recently.  And it’s a way to make up for my negligence–if we realize we’ve skipped a month, we now have $40 to spend or once in a great while $60.  It’s also a way to ensure that I treat both girls fairly, since each one has the same amount of resources to use. 

The girls and I reminisced recently and here are some of our favorite Daddy Dates from over the years…

Taking them as 4-year-olds to Wal-Mart and letting them push the “kid cart” around the store, wherever they wanted to go– for 2 hours!  Visiting the lobsters, getting a free cookie, cruising the toy dept, always being sure to avoid the lingere dept, “Gross!”

With 6 year old Lexi, spending $10 of the dollars at Chuck-E-Cheeses on Ski Ball, cashing out the earned tickets for a cheap trinket, then driving straight to Wal-Mart and spending the remaining $10 on whatever she wanted–she chose a really nice stuffed animal.  (By the way, that was our last time ever visiting Chuck-E-Cheese’s).

Using our $20 to buy activities:  kites, interactive games, model rockets, puzzles, etc.

Playing tag in the main aisle of Lindale mall with 8 year old Lexi, trying to only hop on the dark tiles, until we got to Victoria’s Secret, whereby Lexi ran over to the window threw up her arms in front of the display and yelled loudly, “Don’t look over here, Daddy.”    She knew my eyes were to be Cindy’s only!  Priceless!

Reading the Narnia books with Lexi at Coffee Smiths. 

Catching the midnight shows with Brenda for all three Lord of the Rings movies.

One day Brenda and I randomly bought several sets of little plastic green army guys and made an entire battlefield on our dining room table, with mountains and valleys, just to see Cindy and Lexi’s faces when they came home that night.

Going out to a restaurant (which our family rarely does, except for dates).

Renting a clean movie and fixing microwave popcorn.

So as you can see, I’ve been a big advocate of Daddy Dates.  But over the past week, I’ve decided that it’s time for a change and so I talked to Cindy about it.   So last night, I called a family meeting and made a proclamation to our family that it’s time for a change in the whole “dating” arena.  The girls sat wondering what it would be.  My presentation went something like this:

“Your mom and I have concluded that Daddy Dates are no longer sufficient.  We need to make a change.   So starting soon, we’re going to implement a new strategy into our family.  It’s called…Sibling Dates.   Now that Brenda is about to get her license, your mom and I have decided that it’s time to add another “dating” envelope:  for the two of you kids.  You’ll get $20 a month that we want you to spend together.  We want to encourage you to grow in your enjoyment of one another.”

So that’s our plan.  The girls thought it was a good idea!  It’s going to cost us $240 a year, but it seems to me to be a small price to pay for what I know will be great relational returns.  It’ll be a lot of bang for the buck!

[By the way, Cindy and I have been doing weekly Couple Dates long before we had kids.  That's been another huge blessing to our marriage and family, but that's the subject of another post.]

Oh and my apologies to those of you who thought this post was to address my philosophy on boyfriend/girlfriend dating!  Actually, we’re doing a five or six week series on that subject in Sr. High Sunday School, starting today.  Be sure to send your high school kids! 

The Sweet Spot of Love and Logic.

Yesterday, Pastor Erin preached a great sermon about living in the sweet spot which balances grace and truth.   He shared how some of us are wired to be more harsh, or “truth oriented” and others naturally are overly “grace oriented” so that we relax our standards.

It made me think of my favorite parenting books, “Parenting with Love and Logic” and “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic,” which you’ll see me refer to often in this blog.   Love relates to “grace” and logic relates to “truth”.    Love and logic are needed to counterbalance the other.

The books begin by identifying common parenting tendencies, which sound remarkably similar to what Erin commented on.

In the books, which were written by Jim Fay and Foster Cline, they mention that some parents tend to err on the side of “love” (or “grace”), referring to them as “Helicopter Parents.”   These parents try to rescue their kids all the time, stepping in to make sure they remain happy and comfortable.  They pamper their kids and try not to make waves with them.  They also don’t allow them to get in situations where they may struggle or fail. 

“Drill Sergeant Parents,” on the other extreme, simply bark orders to their kids as a way to make sure they tow the line.  They err on the side of focusing on “truth” too much.  They keep their kids under their thumb, hoping to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Having been a youth pastor for 16 years, I’ve seen firsthand the relational, emotional, and spiritual damage that comes from either style of dysfunctional parenting. 

The Sweet Spot, of course, is exactly in the middle–what the book refers to as a “Love and Logic Parent.”  It’s about finding the style of parenting that perfectly applies truth in the context of grace. 

Pick up a copy from the church library or the bookstore and you’ll soon see why it’s my favorite parenting book!  And in doing so, you’ll make my job easier during your kids’ high school years!

The power of 5 Words

The other day my 14 year old Brenda and I were essentially stranded in our mini-van for an hour, fully expecting to be bored.  On a whim, I said five words that transformed our time into one of our most meaningful conversations ever!

“Let’s ask each other questions.”  

It was that simple.  What followed was a journey through our private worlds that built a bridge between us.   For a solid hour we took turns asking each other questions that we were curious about.  We both came away so excited about our conversation that we told the rest of the family what happened.  Since then, I tried it on a car ride with Lexi, my 11 year old with equal success.   Here are some samples of the kinds of questions we shared and that you could share with your kids…

“What was something fun that you did in college?”

“What’s one thing you’re not so good at?” 

“What do you think of dating?”

“What’s do you think is one of Mom’s greatest character qualities?”

“What do you like most about being a pastor?”

“What is it about track that you like?”

I encourage you to try saying these 5 powerful words to your kids (or maybe your spouse!) when you have a little spare time together.  See what happens and post a comment on how it goes!

RE: Is this happening at your child’s school?

I blogged about a suggested parental response to the day of silence on my personal reflections blog at http://pastormark.ncbcsrhigh.org/2008/03/07/47/

Families on Target

I was invited to come to the Families On Target ABF this past Sunday morning at 9:20 in room 128.  It was a great experience.  If you’re a parent of a teen–and you come on Sunday mornings–this would be a super place to plug in for encouragement, fellowship, and study.  It’s a very friendly class and I felt very welcomed.

The class has been studying the book, “For Parents Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice.  I was asked to come and offer my perspective on the book.   We had some great interaction over the various topics the book covers.

I found the book to be very good and I found that I learned new things about understanding teens.  The subtitle aptly sums up the content:  “Getting inside the head of your kid.”  The authors surveyed hundreds of teenagers, asking them questions that help us adults to enter their world.

The easy-to-read book has chapters about kids’ thirst for independence, need for security, quest for identity, and need to be listened to and understood.  It also revealed how we as parents are often misunderstood.  It was helpful for me to see a little better through their eyes.

Despite the book title “For Parents Only” my apparently rebellious daughter Brenda picked it up and read the chapter on “Listening.”  She loved it, saying it was dead-on.   We had a good conversation about it.  This chapter taught me how much teens crave to have their feelings validated before any advice is given–something I needed to hear.   I even used this awareness today as I replied to a teen who was despairing about something via email.

So if you’re looking for a simple book that opens your eyes to the world of your teen, I recommend this book highly.

Why I like Facebook

In last Saturday’s Gazette, in the Faith & Values section, I was interviewed with regard to how Facebook can be a ministry tool.  I thought you parents would be interested to hear my thoughts on this subject, since most of you are probably faced with the Facebook issue in your own home.

First, an excerpt from that article, which was written by Molly Rossiter:

…Eastern Iowa youth leaders say keeping the communication lines open using Facebook and other Internet sites has become a common, if not necessary, tool for their ministries. Many have their own Facebook accounts and use them almost daily to keep in touch.
  Of the 26.6 million Facebook users, nearly 12 million are between the ages of 12 and 24, according to www.techcrunch.com  — the same group of people with whom church youth leaders are working. At New Covenant Bible Church, 1800 46th St. NE, in Cedar Rapids, high school youth pastor Mark Forstrom said he relies on Facebook and the Internet to keep in contact not only with current youth group members, but wth those who have graduated and gone on to college…He said the social network is useful as a ministry tool, as well, especially on emotional matters. ‘‘They open up their lives and their needs and their fears on their message boards, and it helps us to know if they need help.’’

I consider Facebook to be one of the greatest relational ministry tools I’ve seen in my 22 years of youth ministry.   It has become an itegral part of our youth ministry.  For those who don’t know what Facebook is, here are some basics.

•  __It is called a “social network utility”, which means it is an online community that facilitates social interaction with others.   The vast majority of our youth group members communicate primarily with Facebook. 

•  __Everyone keeps a Profile page, where they share who they are and what they’re into.  This page can contain basic data like contact info, birthday, employment history, school status, etc, as well as glimpses into their personalities and values: favorite songs, movies, quotes, books, interests, sports, likes, dislikes, and moods.  You can learn a lot about where someone is at by viewing their profile.  They can also post photos, notes, and videos.

•  __To see their profile or to interact, both parties must first accept each other as a “Facebook Friend.”   This prevents predators from knowing info about your child.   This safety feature can be disabled, so this is something parents should know and talk to their kids about.  Compared to MySpace, Facebook is much more secure.

•  __Facebook users pride themselves in having a lot of friends.  I joined Facebook this past spring and I already have 354 “friends” as follows:   high school (113), youth group alumni (163), youth sponsors (14), youth pastors (25), family (7), and friends (31).  Since your “friends” have access to lots of information about you, it’s important to be discerning about accepting friend requests.  This is something parents should know and talk to their kids about.

•  __People can join “Groups,” which are like clubs.  Think of a group as a webpage people go to to talk about certain things.  We have a “New Covenant Senior High” group, which has 103 members, where people talk about what’s happening in our group, post pictures (like our recent bonfire), and discuss topics related to our youth group.  We can send messages to all group members, which will come in handy if youth group needs to be cancelled due to weather, etc.    Other groups we have are “Mexico 2007,” “Combo Quad Leaders”, and “Praying for Kelly and Allison McCright.”

•  __People can sponsor “Events” and invite Facebook users to them.  It’s a great way to advertise what’s coming up, particularly since students are using email less and less.   I created a “See You At The Pole” event – about 137 people have rsvp’d so far.  One of our sponsors, Charley Snodgrass, created an event inviting people to his house last Saturday for hot dogs, s’mores, and Bible discussions–he knew how much food to prepare based on the Facebook rsvps. 

•  __Everyone has something called ”The Wall” on their profile page–a place where their “friends” can post little messages.   Because it’s on the profile page, all the friends can read what other “friends” are saying to each other.   It’s a great opportunity for encouragement and I love seeing some of our leaders caring for others this way.

There’s a lot more I could say about how Facebook works and if any of you parents would like me to sit down with you and give you a tour, I’d be glad to.

I mentioned that I see Facebook as a great ministry tool.  Besides the group communication benefits of Groups and Events, the thing that this “shepherd” loves is that Facebook allows you to get to know the needs of the “sheep”.   This is why I encourage the youth sponsors to get on Facebook.     We can look up any “friend” and see what they’re into:  what groups they’ve joined, how they’re feeling, if they are currently ”in a relationship,” what events they’re going to, what pictures they’ve posted, who their “friends” are, what comments they’ve made on friends’ pictures, what notes or journal entries they’ve written, and what videos they’ve posted.  It provides a wealth of information that makes it easy for us to speak Christian truth into the real and felt needs of their lives.  It’s as if Facebook gives us a window into their soul.  Whereas students used to withdraw into their own worlds, saying “no one understands me,” students of today are using Facebook to disclose themselves in a way I’ve never seen before.  It’s apparent that today’s teens want to be known.

I’ll give you a few typical examples of how I’ve seen Facebook used for ministry. 

1. A college student who’s never shown any interest in spiritual things saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message asking for Bible verses that would apply to a discouraging situation he faced.   It was a time in his life that he was seeking answers and thankfully Facebook connected us at a critical time  

2. One of our high school seniors wrote some encouragements on the wall of someone who quit coming to youth group last spring.  It blessed me to see her reaching out with Christ’s love.  I then encouraged her for being such an encourager!

3. One of the newer kids who I had never once talked to at church sent me a “friend” request.  Looking at her profile, I noticed “Marilyn Manson” under favorite music, and, having been a part of a Marilyn Manson outreach ministry, we subsequently had a wonderful conversation about it.  It ended in her asking for alternative Christian music options!

4. One of my sponsors saw that a student had recently joined a questionable group.  He sent this person a private message asking about it and they had a great online conversation about a Christian’s public testimony resulting in the student leaving that group. 

If your kids are on Facebook, you can feel good that a lot of people know how he or she is doing.  They may not be talking to you, but there are probably 100’s of people who are keeping tabs on them.  And if their friends are from our youth group, there’s a good chance that many of us will be sharing God’s truth with them according to their current needs. 

It’ll also be reassuring for you parents to know that whenever we see things of concern that you need to know about (harmful behavior, suicidal concerns, illegal activites, etc.) we will surely inform you about those!  And that applies whether the concerns come from Facebook or any other source!

So now you can see why I like Facebook.  Are there also concerns about Facebook that parents should have?  Yes.  Like anything on the internet, there are places within Facebook (groups, events, discussion groups, photos, etc.) that could be harmful.  Parents should encourage their kids to make wise choices whenever they’re online and dialoge with them about the many temptations the world offers.

What are Quads for?

I want to explain to parents why we divide our youth group up into four “Quads” every 1st and 3rd Wednesday.

Definition of Quads.  Quads are simply the Sr. High large youth group broken down into four mid-sized groups.  In New Covenant terminology, it’s moving from the Front Porch to the Living Room.

Purpose of Quads.  To create an atmosphere where new or disconnected students can easily connect with others and where each person present feels noticed, loved, valued, and cared for.   In a group this size we can know everyone’s name, notice who the visitors are, and can do relational things not possible in the big group.

Division of Quads.  We have chosen to divide up the Quads according to school because those who are new or disconnected are most likely to connect with someone from their school whom they might see daily.  We also divide up our adult sponsors by Quad too, which makes it more manageable for them to contact students.

In future posts, I’ll introduce the Quad sponsors to you!  They’re a great bunch!

Welcome parents of Freshmen!

I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome the parents of the new freshmen.   I’ve really enjoyed getting to know many of the new students this summer through our “8 Great Escapes” as well as the Canoe Trip and last Wednesday’s Bonfire.  You’ve obviously produced some pretty amazing offspring and I consider it a privilege to be able to work with your sons and daughters!

This website will be one of several ways that I will communicate with you parents this year.  If you subscribe to the RSS feed of this site, you’ll be informed of each of my posts.    More frequently I will communicate with you by email.   Our youth group is in the middle of transitioning to a new database, so if you don’t start receiving such emails, please email me or Gina Kaufman, my capable administrative assistant and we’ll be sure you’re properly added to our distribution list.  (Like all New Covenant staff, our address is <firstname>.<lastname>@newcovenantbible.org.)

Parents & Sr. Highers to join.

 Each year we invite all parents of teens to join us in Sr. High for a few weeks to foster understanding and insight between the generations.   The dates this year are June 10, 17, and 24.  Please join us at 6:45 or come earlier if you want to worship with the Sr. Highers.  (note: the Parents With Teens Class will meet upstairs first for preliminaries at 6:30). 

This year we are going to explore a new format for interacting:  breakout electives!  The students and the parents will divide up to discuss the following useful topics.  The same topics will be offered each week so everyone should get to do three of them.  Come each time prepared to share your perspective!

Here are the five electives!

Generation Bridge.  A fun look sharing between the generations how culture has changed from then to now.

Communication 101.  Looking at right and wrong ways to express yourself to your parents or teens.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Defining respect and discussing how it can be shown both directions.      

Faith Base.  Exploring what parents and teens have done to develop their faith.

Conflict resolution.  Discovering the best solutions for the worst parent/teen conflicts. 

Two Powerful Words

I want to share Two Powerful Words I learned years ago from my friend Brian Carroll that every parent should know and use.  But first: one word not to use.

When parents use the word “why” it almost always backfires, resulting in defensiveness, anger and frustration. 

• Billy, why are you so disrespectful to me? 
• Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
• Jake, why did you skip out on youth group last week?

“Why” makes teens feel interrogated and not trusted and they immediately get defensive.  That’s why I suggest replacing “why” with these Two Powerful Words: “Observe” and “Curious”.    Here’s how they would work in the above illustrations.

• Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to do the dishes.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way. 
• Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m curious, what do you think is causing you to treat him that way?
• Jake, Pastor Mark noticed that you’ve been skipping out of youth group after worship on Wednesdays.  If that’s true, I’m wondering, what do you think it is that is compelling you to do that?

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.  

Do you see how throwing out “why” and using ”observe” and “curious” (or their equivalents) can help?  They’re not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding.  They help us learn what makes our teen tick.  They communicate to our kids that their feelings, motivations, and perspectives are valid and that you want to know them more than you want to change them.  They force us to delay judgment and discipline until after we’ve gained understanding.  These words force us to be students of our students.   They help build a relational bridge with our kids rather than an impenetrable wall of opposition. 

Do I observe some skepticism as you read this?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying it!